Genie

Tue, 01 Jan 2008 18:22:02 GMT

I feel like doing this, and I'm bored as all hell.

1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before?
Fell in love, started a long-term relationship, facilitated a diversity workshop, traveled to Halifax, missed a plane on purpose, bought music online, received a sizeable scholarship, received an international phonecall, went for a full physical on my own accord, planned a college-wide fundraiser. Some other stuff too, I'm sure :p

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I actually didn't make any last year :p Probably not for this year, just have some things to keep in mind.

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope.

5. What countries did you visit?
Many different places in Canada?

6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007?.
More stability and assurance that I'm on the right path.

7. What dates from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
February 24-March 2 (love), July/August (Halifax), October (Antigonish), the past 2 months (James in Toronto), the last few weeks of May and the events that occurred, taking my first anthro test and feeling that adrenaline rush, the day all the kitties were born in the summer, great-grandma's 90th.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Reprioritizing and making school a way bigger part of my life.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Focusing on the lives of others more than my own, and obsessing about their progress and trying to do everything for them instead of letting their lives unfold of their own accord.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I had a helluva cough for the longest time at the end of the year last year. That's about it.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The tickets to Halifax.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
James, for sticking with me when I was definitely struggling, for keeping everything that matters close to his heart and for 'seizing the day' in his own life, Helen and Dylan for shipping off to Europe to pursue the things they love.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
No one?

14. Where did most of your money go?
Tuition and EATING OUT jesus, I spent over $500 in like 2 months on delivery/restaurants. I'm so bad.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My trips to Nova Scotia, James' visits (especially the first one, which resulted in our dating), starting school again and getting that full time job.

16. What song will always remind you of 2007?
Nude, Videotape - Radiohead
No Beginning No End - Hawksley Workman (this shows up often, I love it)
Sleepwalking Ballad - Apostle of Hustle
Winning - Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton
Here In Your Arms - Hellogoodbye
As The Rush Comes - Motorcycle
and various others :p

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or hardened?
A lot of happy, a little hardened.

ii. thinner or fatter?
Fatter, thankfully. Too thin/psycho last year.

iii. richer or poorer?
I'd say richer, because I don't feel as screwed as I did last year, and I'm counting things other than money :)

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Nurturing friendships and having fun in my own way.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Blaming my emotions on hormones (or rather, failing to control them despite the hormones? I don't know, I was very emotional), fighting and worrying about little things, sitting around.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
I spent it with James and my family (which includes kitties). We watched movies and just hung out. Very casual.

21. Did you fall in love in 2007?
Yes.

22. Any one-night stands?
At the beginning of 2007, unfortunately.

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Nip/Tuck probably, and House. I watched those all exam period last spring. Also, I just finished season 1 of Heroes and I have to say, it's pretty engrossing.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No.

25. What was the best book you read?
Something I read for one of my courses, actually: I, Pierre Seel, Deported Homosexual by Pierre Seel. He's an amazing writer and he really incited a lot of emotion from me concerning homosexual persecution during the Holocaust and how it was silenced after liberation.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
New JEW, Daft Punk + Radiohead, Justice, Emily Haines & The Soft Skeleton, that song by the Moldy Peaches that makes my heart melt, and yes I realize I'm behind on the times :p

27. What did you want and get?
James, better grades and a happier disposition

28. What did you want and not get?
My own place, more money from OSAP.

29. Favorite film of this year?
Meh, a toss up between ALL OF THEM. I don't really play favourites. As for most watched? Probably Batman Begins or Boondock Saints.

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Spent the day with James, and we met up with a bunch of friends for a dinner at Marché. It was loverly, though I experienced a number of bouts of irritability.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Honestly? My tuition paid off, Helen being here and better communication with everyone. I holed myself up for a while and that wasn't really 'cool', I felt really down.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2007?
BACK TO HOODIE-LIISA! So comfortable.

33. What kept you sane?
2 hour phonecalls with James and full-time work in the summer. Hanging out with Langley in the common room and trips to the library. And phonecalls from my sister/mom.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
James Franco, Benicio Del Toro and Michael Cera. And even then, only a little bit.

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Increasing tuition rates. I'm $1000 poorer this year.

36. Who do you miss?
James (in Halifax atm), Helen and Dylan

37. Who was the best new person you met?
Saad probably! What a cool guy. Langley frosh are pretty cool too, and some floormates of mine are nice as well. Everyone else I already knew :)

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2007:
Good things come to those who wait.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"A high flyer's what I want to be
Seems they won't let me, says I'm too small
I don't feel small at all"
Hanson - Broken Angel

Wed, 01 Aug 2007 01:01:03 GMT

This will be my last entry.

I will not be able to maintain an online journal any longer. I only update here when I feel like I'm making a change in my life, and updating on those points has hindered rather than furthered progress towards those goals. I've found that I do a lot less than I say, and as such this journal has been filled with a bunch of unfulfilled aspirations and painful memories that I care not to maintain.

So this is it. Life awaits.

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 21:21:42 GMT

So this is what it feels like, to wake up every morning wrapped in his arms, planting little kisses on his nose and forehead to wake him, and to be able to say those three little words, and hear them back, and have them mean something.

* sigh *

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 22:26:14 GMT

So this is me, sitting on James's bed in Halifax, patiently waiting for him to get home from work after having spent a lovely morning with him for his birthday and a fantastic afternoon with his mother while he was at work. I must say, so far I've enjoyed my trip IMMENSELY. Honestly, this is the greatest.

It didn't start off too promising...he'd been in a funk for a few days and he wasn't sure I was going to enjoy myself because he has work and class and studying. Also, when the flight was about to take off, the airport people came on the announcer and said that we might have to turn around and come back to Toronto if the weather didn't let up in Halifax. Needless to say, I landed safe and sound on time. The minute I saw him I knew everything was going to be perfect...that guy still gives me the biggest case of the butterflies :)

We went to a wedding yesterday. His mom picked me up from the airport with him, so I was already introduced to her, but I didn't meet the rest of his family until yesterday. Anyways, they're all pretty nice; his brother is a little serious and a touch awkward but his girlfriend is superfriendly, his sister isn't as bad as he's made her out to be and his dad is nice as well. I also met a BUNCH of his mom's side of the family at the wedding, and honestly, I don't think I've met a friendlier group of people in my life. I was hanging out with his little cousins the whole time, his grandparents and uncles and aunts were chatting with me the whole time, and I could tell that James was also enjoying himself, which made things infinitely better. We were invited to go to PEI for a few days at the end of the week and depending on James's work schedule we're gonna go :D

Seeing him is the greatest thing I could've ever imagined. I love waking up with his arms wrapped around me (it is ABSOLUTE HEAVEN), I love his house (where mine is big, his has so much character and life), his family is awesome, he's so much happier and so am I now that I'm here. I love this place, and I love my guy.

Maybe I'll update later in the week, but for now, I'm just letting you all know what kind of AWESOME TIME I'm having here.

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 19:18:52 GMT

The Best Financial Advice Ever

I love having MSN.com as my homepage.

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 22:52:17 GMT

I was watching a number of documentaries this weekend and one in particular stuck in my mind. If anyone has heard of HBO's Thin...well, I saw it, and it was probably the most bleak depiction of eating disorders that I have ever seen in my life. This woman was given complete access to a women's eating disorder recovery facility and she recorded what she saw without commentary. The content was so real and so powerful that I don't think I've ever been affected by a documentary as much as I was with this one. I had to take breaks from watching; there were a few scenes which were really, really difficult to watch, and I had to regroup before I could watch the rest. I finished the movie feeling shaken and incredibly weak, only because the movie did nothing but show that recovery from eating disorders is painful, emotionally draining, and almost impossible. I highly recommend it, only because it demonstrates the complexities that these women have to deal with every day of their lives.

Yeah, so there was my weekend :p I also watched Farenheit 911, a documentary about scientology, one about supermarkets (I don't want to eat supermarket food ever again :S), one about the CIA and one about Bill Gates and Steve Jobs. That, and I saw 1408, sat out in the sun by my pool for 3 hours and played some guitar. What a low-key weekend :D

2.5 weeks till I get to see mah dahling. I'm so excited..."I crapped em, mommy I crapped em!"

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 02:50:16 GMT

I just watched Beauty and the Beast, and I can't help but think of James *not in that we're the main characters :P only in that I always cry during that movie and this time it was like hitting me in the head with a brick...makes it all the more real* So, on that note, I'ma talk in a very cheesy fashion about my amazing, darling, fantastic boyfriend, who (whom?) I couldn't love another ounce more. Deal? Deal.

We've been together for just over four months, but it honesly feels like it's been way longer than that, which is really, really good. He's been on my mind for over a year, and I think the fact that we tested the waters for a that long before getting together really shows how much we were, and still are, capable of maintaining feelings for one another. I love being with him in any circumstance, whether we're physically together or I'm listening to his playful laugh on the phone. We've grown so much as a couple that now more than ever I understand what it's like to be truly and completely in love with another human being, and it's safe to say that I've never felt like this about anyone else. I would do anything for him, honestly I would, and I know he would do the same for me.

My perception of him has changed drastically since we've been together. He asked me last year what word I would use to describe him, and I foolishly said that 'childish' described him best. Since then, he has proven me wrong time and again. He has a childish nature to him that is so endearing, but there's a lot more to him than that. Whenever we got into heated arguments, he was the rational one. His opinions are informed and well thought out, and he's got a really, really good head on his shoulders. He's shown me that he's very mature, yet he can be nice and silly :)

He's always been so patient with me. In the beginning, I wasn't sure if I felt the same as him, and we went through a bunch of hard times, yet he stuck with me. I didn't know if I was ready for such a heavy commitment, but when I sat down and took a good long look at things, I realized that being with him is worth so much more than any insecurities that I ever had.

We get along like we're best friends, and we've seen each other in our most vulnerable states. I don't think I've told anyone more than I've told him, and I always know that if I've got something to say, he'll listen. He's always there for me when I need a shoulder, or a good dose of banter. We've got our share of inside jokes and little obsessions. It doesn't hurt that I find him to be the most attractive man I've ever seen, either ;)

When I see emails addressed from him, or his name come up on my phone, my heart skips a beat and I know that I've got someone special, I've got myself a keeper. He's in Paris right now, and even without the daily communication that we're afforded when he's at home, I know that I've got something and someone to look forward to. I place so much trust in him, and I love him so much. <3xoxoxoxoxo

I have inherited temporary overly-romantic insanity status. :D I am just a giant factory of CHEESE.

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 19:56:15 GMT

There's nothing like misplaced accusations to send you spiralling into a rage that will clean the house from top to bottom.

XD

Take that, Mom!

Fri, 25 May 2007 17:35:52 GMT

After a While

After a while you learn
The subtle difference between
Holding a hand and chaining a soul
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
That kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes ahead
With the grace of a woman
Not the grief of a child

And you learn
To build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is
Too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way
Of falling down in mid flight

After a while you learn
That even sunshine burns if you get too much
So you plant your own garden
And decorate your own soul
Instead of waiting
For someone to bring you flowers

And you learn
That you really can endure
That you are really strong
And you really do have worth
And you learn and you learn
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica A. Shoffstall

Thu, 17 May 2007 16:43:35 GMT

your bitter goodbye is ringing through this quiet night
this idle hour just won't pass
i never missed you this much, never thought i would
didn't think you'd feel so far away
...
i'm still waiting for you to say you hate me now
so i don't have to, hold onto this burning heart
this burning heart is getting old, getting old
and while sitting on this cold kitchen floor, head down to hide the tears
i realize, i finally realize
that you were never, you were never meant for me

Wed, 09 May 2007 06:42:24 GMT

I never thought that this year would come to an end. Over and over I kept thinking that I was going to be stuck forever in this abysmal state, thinking only of the negative. Now that exams are over, I can breathe easy and rest assured; no matter what I've been through this year, I've come out on top, and the coming summer and school year only offer a fresh start.

I've learned a number of things this year. The first is to ask when I need help. I was always reluctant to ask for help. I felt that I had become financially and emotionally independent from my family, yet there was a breaking point at which I needed to suck it up and ask for help. I made this decision for the first time in December, when I told my mother everything about my financial and academic states. The importance of my emotional and mental well-being came up as a topic, and after she realized the stress I was going through all on my own, she decided that I needed help from the family. The result of that conversation was a supportive foundation for which I am truly grateful. After I had recklessly spent over $3000 on frivolous purchases and unnecessary partying, my grandmother stepped up and paid the bill, paying another $4000 on top of that to cover tuition expenses. The ways in which I wronged everyone in my family were apparent that day. I've always talked about how my family really doesn't appreciate how good they've got it with me as their relative, and how lucky they are that I am complacent with being a completely independent entity. This Christmas, I was shown a side of my family which I never expected to see, and that was the side that will always be there for me, no matter how much I've done. I was never one to rebel, but this year I came as close to rebelling as I'll ever get, and they still picked up the pieces after me.

Asking for help from the university as well was extremely crucial for me this year. Last year around exam time I was more stressed about paying my fees than I was over my exams themselves. Earlier this semester, when I realized I was in deep financial trouble due to misspent OSAP loans, I applied for every scholarship and bursary I could find. Luckily for me, the University of Toronto is stocked full of money and only needs to be asked for it. I received $4500 in scholarships and bursaries based on my financial need and leadership skills, and my balance is now clear. I was able to study for my exams relatively stress-free, and I feel as if I did my best on each one because I had a clear head. I also asked for my porter job back for next year and got it. The building steward asked me why I didn't ask for it back earlier so I could continue working this year, and all I could do was shrug. No more shrugging :P

Another very important thing that I've learned is that I'm not separate from the laws of the Earth, and that I will always end up at a state of equilibrium, no matter how hard I press against it, and the state of equilibrium is what's best for me. This mode of thinking helped me overcome a lot of things, including my negative self-image, which, I hate to say it, was a dominant factor in my life this year. Today, I feel like a more confident woman, with a shift in focus from pleasing others to pleasing myself. I may be heavier than a few months ago, but I'm far more happy than I've ever been, and my only motivation is to better myself and my personal health. Not only have I changed the perception of myself, but this change has resulted in an increased awareness of the way I treat others. I don't derive pleasure in being used, or taken advantage of, whether through relationships, friendships, networks, etc., and I don't feel that others enjoy that experience as well. The only reason why I continued with such a negative self-image was because I placed the value of myself alongside the amount of times people wanted to use me, and that focus was completely wrong. It took me a really long time to think otherwise, but now I know that I'm in the right place. On that note, I also learned that I need to be careful when I drink. I've had far too many experiences that I just plain old don't remember due to my desire for acceptance in the sandbox world, and the best way to create a better experience for myself is to make sure that I remain in control and make good decisions as much as possible. There are no excuses at this point.

If I've learned one thing from living in residence, it's that friends are family. The final thing that I can recall at this point, and this is throwing back to the way I treat people, is that nurturing preexisting friendships is a higher priority than creating superficial bonds. Not to say that new bonds can't form great friendships; it's just that I have to remember that there are people that do care about me, and I have to make sure they know that I care about them just as much. I sacrificed a lot of great friendships in this past year's journey, and I regret that more than anything.

Onto bigger and better things.

Cheers,
Liisa
<3 xo

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 04:52:49 GMT

i've realized something extremely important which has literally been the largest part of my life for the past few years, so here it goes:

as much as i want to be everyone's friend, there are people in this world that i have to disappoint in order to maintain my sense of worth and dignity. those people are those with unrealistic expectations of me, or people that expect me to act as they do. saying 'no' is one of those things that i don't want to do but has to be done. i've found people that don't expect me to be more than i am capable of being, and those are the people that i want to surround myself with. if i act in a way that is unrepresentative of who i am on the whole, i get upset with myself because i don't feel genuine. the argument can be made that i act to please others as a part of who i am, but that's really not the case; i want to be the best person for me, not for someone that may not be a part of my life 5 years down the road.

i've thought about this because there are a wide range of people that i've had to disappoint or let down in recent memory (say, the last year) in order to regroup and get everything together. who knows, maybe these people are into who i am when i'm not trying to pretend and they just haven't seen a side of me that's there to be proud of. anyways, long story short, i'm in all night fung and something caught my attention, and i pretty much had to get it out somewhere. sorry if it makes no sense...i'm running on a few energy drinks and a semester's worth of astronomy.

in addition, i feel that i should mention that my mother and i have been having the most random and vulnerable talks of our lives. it all ended with me telling my mother that she needs to be more independent in her relationship and that she should seriously reevaluate where her dependencies are, because she has three kids to worry about, not just a relationship. i honestly want to stick her in some empowerment classes because they will help, on the whole, with her assertiveness issues which are the root of most problems that she has with respect in the house. AAAANYWAYS back to studying :(

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 17:04:45 GMT

yesterday was pretty devestating. all in all it worked out for the best though, so i'm generally much better.

i'm in mississauga on and off this week, then i'm in sauga all next week and most of the week after. i've already started renovating my sauga room...new doorknob, moved the furniture right around, and today i'm going to be cleaning it, what a sty.

i made up next year's tentative schedule and it works out so nicely. so, barring any unfortunate circumstances on my part with regards to calculus, or timetable changes, here's my schedule for next year:
FALL SEMESTER
Tuesday, 9-12: PSY240 Abnormal Psychology
Thursday, 6-9: PSY201 Statistics I
Friday, 10-12: HIS338 Holocaust History

WINTER SEMESTER
Monday, 1:30-3 and Wednesday 1:30-3: PSY230 Personality Psychology
Monday, 6-9: PSY290 Physiological Psychology
Wednesday, 6-9: PHL243 Philosophy of Human Sexuality

FULL YEARS
Monday, 3-4 and Wednesday, 3-4: HIS281 Modern Japanese History
Tuesday, 1-3 and Thursday, 2-3: TRN200 Modes of Reasoning

basically, that means that my mondays and wednesdays in fall semester are so empty (class at 3) and in the winter i have no class on fridays. it'll be different though because it's a full courseload, and it's been a year since i've had a full courseload, yet i have only peace by peace and portering to worry about. yikes, we'll see how that plays out.

i absolutely LOVE having next to nothing to do. worrying about school is so stressful and now that i have 3 weeks to study for my exams i feel like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. it's also great because everyone else has nothing to do for the next little while. i hung out with helen and brian all night, we picked up dylan from cambridge and we drove back to toronto. helen and i are much closer after the past few days...i don't know why, but it's great, and i know it's going to make me miss her more when she goes to berlin but this summer should be awesome.

on that note, there's only one thing i have to say.

GARLIIIIIIIIIQUE!!!

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 16:53:31 GMT

i've always had a lack of journal entries, and it's because every decision that i've made in recent memory has always been a huge question mark...i don't want to update on uncertainties yet i do, especially when i can look back and say, "i had big plans and i never followed through." i can never say for sure what i'm going to be up to; my plans are fluid, my intentions are likely to change. it's come to the point where every choice i make is questioned, and even my own family is likely to say to me, "are you sure this is what you want to do this time?" just the other night, i saw most of my mississauga friends at pho, and i was telling them i was moving home for the summer. their response? "are you sure you're actually going to move home this time?" it's a perpetual case of the boy who cried wolf, and i'm tired of crying. i wish i could make more solid decisions.

i have an anthropology exam tomorrow and i stayed up till 2 last night studying. tonight will be the same. i have a philosophy paper due friday as well, so hopefully i can juggle both at this point...i really don't want only three days to write my final paper.

as for right now, my summer plans are kind of great. i got the summer job in hunstville after a gruelling set of interviews, but i'm declining the job in favour of home life. i want to get back in touch with my mother, even if she is more like my big sister than my mother. i think she would appreciate the effort. also, i want to get to know everyone from highschool again. i feel like i haven't really lost touch but it's always been superficial...wanna change that, make it deeper. i won't have a job for the first bit of summer as i have no time to come home and actually look, but i offered to take care of my sister to make some money while looking for work. james is coming to stay with me from may 12 to the 16, but he's in toronto until june 1 so i'll be over there always. i'm going to have a party near the end of may (pool and BBQ included). i'm going to finish calculus in the first month of summer so i can get into psychology. hopefully i'll have my fees paid off through bursaries...if not, i'll find some way to get the money, if through a bank loan or something else. the only extracurriculars for next year are portering and peace by peace. i'm pretty excited for the reduced workload, you have no idea. this year was crazy.

to help with the following-through
- see james (!!!!!!!!!!)
- have a party (deadline: june 1)
- finish calculus (timeline: 1.5 months, end date july 1)
- get into psych (deadline: july 30)
- find a job (deadline: june 24)
- get back in touch with highschool peeps (deadline: NEVER)
- chill with mom (deadline: NEVER)

helen came home with me for easter, i moved around my bedroom, and i've taken a liking to yahtzee thanks to family guy. it's quite addicting, and it's best when you get yahtzee and just yell it really loud. scares the shit out of people around you, it's great.

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 05:49:07 GMT

didn't get donship, didn't even get waiting list (curious to know why THAT's the case). not bitter but not too happy about it either; i guess i was mistaken to rely even the tiniest bit on the possibility, as now i have to reevaluate every step i take from now on, as it will affect me significantly in many different ways. should i go for it again next year? do i have the ability to stay as involved in UC as i was this year, get good grades and make the money i need to pay for tuition/rez (HELLS NO)?

and so, with a solid answer about donship, i can now make (tentative) decisions about my involvement next year. peace by peace exec for SURE now (vols or festival director), volunteering, MAYBE a Lit position (on-campus rep?), and reapplying for porter. there are still some things i have to work out. where do i want to live? whitney? langley? LL? i HAVE to stay in rez, something silly about deferring payments for fees. my summer might have a small wrench thrown into it but i'll survive...i really want to go to halifax to stay with james but that might be an impossibility if i have to earn enough money to pay for all the shite next year.

i wish that some distant wealthy relative could donate a significant amount of money so i could just focus on my studies instead of trying to come up with ways to make my university experience a little more bearable.

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 15:34:14 GMT

probably the most embarrassing thing on the face of the earth follows:
my mother's side of the family had an extremely well-deserved get-together, as it was my great-grandma's 90th. i love that side of the family, particularly because every person in that family possesses their own, very unique, very strong character traits. my aunt reta is the most boisterous entertainer; she can captivate a room with her stories of her ex-husband, or her trips to italy, or her class, and when she leaves the room to fix dinner we're left with this sense of inadequacy, as we are never quite sure how to top her performace. my aunt marlene is a firecracker; she's so full of energy that you just want to bottle it for yourself, and i'm pretty sure she doesn't drink coffee, it's amazing. my grandmother is like a mother to me; she's just the right balance of discipline and support, and she always has good advice. my uncle alex is the most on my level intellectually; we tend to gravitate towards each other in family situations (as we're both not-so-comfortable) and discuss my career options, his business ambitions and the world in general...during dinner we were debating the question, "is the world getting worse?" anyways, to spite my enjoyment of my amazingly awesome family, my mother decided to bring her boyfriend along. normally, i don't have a problem with him (although he seems to have a problem with me), and i was so embarrassed when he decided to offer his opinion around open-minded individuals. SO embarrassed. he represents everything my mother loves and i happen to be a part of that category. anyways, the shock came when a) he declared my argument invalid based on his subjective experience and b) he said that all muslims believe that anyone not muslim should be dead. oh. my. god. just...oh. my. god. i've never experienced something so embarrassing in my entire life. i informed him of proper argument techniques when he told me that my argument was invalid (i was LIVID that he would attack the way he did...LIVID!), but i didn't bother to speak up when he told my uncle roger (whom i happen to love and respect, and who has an open mind) about the muslim thing...i figured i'd let uncle roger judge for himself. holy shit though, prejuidice does live on, right in my own fucking home.

i thought i wouldn't be able to live with someone who affected my mother the way he does. but you know what? i'm more concerned about the well-being of my brother and sister, who actually DO have to live with him day in and day out. what kind of example is he setting with those types of attitudes? my sister has so much potential and my brother believes everything he's told...

to top it all off, he made a chinese bad driver joke when i was about to leave.
my mother can do so much better.

Wed, 07 Mar 2007 20:34:57 GMT

i'm sitting in the peace office right now. it's quiet, slightly cold and a little bit depressing; the weather outside has been bringing me down. it's too cold to go outside but everything's too emergent to miss. and so, i'm forced to leave my nice warm comfortable room to cross the bloody street to go to class. ugh.

anyways, there have been some surprising and amazing new developments in the past little while. if you remember back to march of last year, i was writing entry after entry about a certain endearing yet clueless guy. we're now dating. seems a little sudden, no? well, not really. he lived in my residence last year, a floor above me and apparently a world away; my flirting was not as obvious as i had thought. i ask him out, doesn't happen and i leave it at that. he leaves u of t for good and i'm destined never to see him again, right? not so. after a year he comes back for a visit, and we just kinda look at each other and realize that hey, none of the feelings really went away...what followed was probably one of the best weeks in recent memory. it was a bittersweet sort of ending; i gained a boyfriend but lost the opportunity to see him every single day. now we phone each other for hours on end (racking up an inievitably huge phone bill, i'm sure) and talk on msn whenever we can. it's not the same as seeing him though...according to friends, we're like the notebook, ha. i'm going to nova scotia in april (hopefully) to visit him...i can't wait, honestly.

it feels so good to be in something so secure and to be with someone like him. everything, right now everything is perfect. and i know he's reading this so that's cute ^_^

oh, i got second interview for donship and i'm waiting to hear back on the summer job. i'm going to sudbury this weekend for my greatgrandma's 90th birthday (90!!!) and i'll be seeing a lot of fam, which should be good. sleeping in a hotel room with my brother and sister though? ugh. ugh!

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 14:46:06 GMT

What I like about my body: A long overdue procrastination method/self-esteem booster
My eyes, they're this orange-brown colour that matched my hair colour perfectly before I dyed it.
My back, I worked it out for a long while and now it's really nice and curvy and muscular.
My hands, when I type I look at my fingers, I think they're very long and graceful. I always thought I had nice appendages.
My forearms, they show me how much total sun I've had over my lifetime by utilizing the pigmentation feature known as "beauty marks".
My feet, once again, I like my appendages, and my feet are no exception, they're the perfect arch and my nails are cute.
My thighs, I've been climbing stairs forever and a day, and my thighs are probably the most muscular part of my body.
My hair, because it's never failed me, when it looks bad, I've failed my hair.

I have a presentation at 1 today and a midterm at 4...then I'm done everything academic. I've got don applications due tomorrow and Have A Heart stuff...we're buying stuff and assembling the candygrams tomorrow night. Even though I would normally be celebrating with some sort of crazy irresponsible night out, once this is all over, I just want to sleep.

Wed, 10 Jan 2007 20:31:36 GMT

I'm really enjoying this semester/year so far.

By some amazing stroke of genius, after watching that shitty 17 program on MTV Canada, I was inspired to apply for a job at this sports camp in huntsville. When I was in elementary school my class took a trip there, and it was probably one of the greatest experiences of my gradeschool years. There was kayaking, bonfire building, rope swinging, etc. I emailed the camp and I got a number of emails back, explaining the hiring process and stuff. Hopefully, by writing about it, I'm not jinxing my chances of getting hired, because I honestly want a summer job at this camp so badly. It would afford me the opportunity to earn money while not really having the ability to spend it (it's a residential thing in the middle of nowhere), so I'd be able to save hardcore. I can't wait to hear back from them about an interview.

Also, I've been sleeping early and attending all my classes this week and I've made an effort to get everything done before its due (not that there have been any extremely important due dates or anything, but I've achieved a number of things I would have normally left to the last minute). I think the prodctivity stems from my lack of personal computer...I left my laptop in Mississauga and I've been using the library and friends for my internet access. It seems as though the studious, amazingly smart Liisa is returning for a second spin. Hopefully she sticks around for the long run.

Club night tomorrow and Hart House Farm on the weekend! Exciting things are happening, and I'm, well, excited!

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 20:12:00 GMT

I'm at Robarts right now. This morning I went to the gym (working out for the first time in a month feels like bathing in a pool of awesome, if it were a liquid), then I came here (as I left my Mac at home) and I finished most of what I needed to get done today. I typed up my porter resignation letter, finished my SmartServe (I AM NOW CERTIFIED IN RESPONSIBLE BEVERAGE SALE AND SERVICE BITCHEZZZZZZZZZ), emailed my grandmother, booked Hart House for the 2nd All Vol, emailed my mom and signed up for intramural squash (if it's not too late for that) and volleyball.

My grandma's honestly the greatest soul on the face of this planet, I swear to all that is good. Not only did she pay off my $3000 Visa bill, but today she asked me how much the remainder of my tuition is and she's PAYING FOR IT. She wants me to get back on my feet, and she's pissed that I didn't explain to her the gravity of my situation prior to the winter break. If only I'd have been honest with her before this, I wouldn't have had to stress as much as I did...and I didn't even ask for help. She told me that I should start scrimping and saving because prepping for med school is tougher than I'd like to make out. I can't believe it...I've been taking all of this money for granted. Seeing bills in the thousands made purchases in the hundreds seem completely insignificant. Honestly, I need to get my act together. It starts today, where I refused a trip to the Eaton's Centre (although I could have gone and not bought anything, it's highly unlikely that ever would have happened). I'm living without a credit card and as humiliating as it is to ask for money from my relatives, it feels a helluva lot better to know that I'm not screwing myself over in the butt.

Here's to a new year, a new semester and a better life.

This week is pretty neat...new classes tomorrow, skating at NPS, Wednesday's more new classes, PXP office hours and UofT Battle of the Bands, and Thursday's MORE new classes and the Winterfest club night. Here's hoping I can afford all those events with legit money :S Maybe I'll only go to the club night. Maybe.

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 22:52:10 GMT

After another full day of doing nothing except taking down the Christmas decorations, the siblings came home. Kimmy and Jon...are home. It's a little weird, having them around. I guess I'll have to get used to it, though. The desk is filled with my brother's crap already and I'm having to tell him that if he does anything fishy with my computer I'll have his balls on a platter. I think I've found the source of my motivation to get stuff done in this house, and it's not favourable to my family...I study to get away. Bwhahahaha.

After a little bit of negotiating, I managed to score my brother's room as my own. Jon will get my mom's room and Kimmy will remain in her room. The bed is so much more comfortable and the room's a lot bigger than the other rooms I could've commandeered. I'm pretty excited to decorate it with all my crap. I get my own desk (without my computer, which will remain in the office), this monstrous bed and a bunch of walking room (AND TWO WINDOWS SWEEEEEEEET). I've already napped in there and as far as I can tell, that room and I are going to have a good relationship.

I think this point needs to be highlighted: I HAVE MY OWN ROOM SINCE MY SISTER WAS BORN (not including res).

Brit called me last night to break up the sausagefest that was happening at Jordan's grandpa's house. Needless to say, it was a very interesting night which ended with 24 empties of Canadian and 5 of Heineken, and teensie bit of vodka. I woke up with the largest hangover. Today Helen (bearing gifts from China, including earrings and a pashmina scarf) and John visited me (I LOVE THEM SO MUCH AAAAAAA) and we went to Sushi Tei (where I discovered that they had my favourite food of all time [hwaye dop bop] which is a bed of lettuce and vegetables topped with raw fish and covered in Korean hot sauce with a bit of rice. mmmmmmmmmmmmmm tasty) and then sat at Starbucks for a good 2 hours and I impersonated about a hundred people. I really missed them both...Helen was all excited, planning sleepovers and stuff for when I commute, and John was just his usual jolly self. It was a laugh and a half.

I'm spending the night in Mississauga, despite the initial plan to head to Toronto to go dancing. If anyone wants to do something, give me a calllllllllllllllllllllbored :(

Thu, 04 Jan 2007 22:16:33 GMT

I bought my Fireball dress today. $15 for the most stunning little black dress I've ever seen (go consignment, baby!).

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 17:15:51 GMT

This morning I had a dream that Incubus was performing on this shitty outdoor stage and I was somehow backstage with a microphone. I was secretly singing along to Dig (off their new album Light Grenades, you should get it if you don't already have it, WAY better than their previous efforts) and Brandon Boyd caught me, and offered me a chance to sing it with him. Oooooooooooh if only dreams came true, he is a very attractive man <3

I've watched about 10 or 12 South Park episodes in the past 24 hours. I am now very well-versed in quotes from the show. Insomnia will do that to you. Unless I want to stay up eating crackers and hummus (which makes me very dehydrated, I've found) and watching South Park until 5 a.m., I will NEVER have 4 cups of coffee in an 8 hour span again.

One of my favourite exchanges:
Cartman: "Hey guys, you'll never believe what I have in my backyard!"
Kyle: "A trampoline?"
Cartman: "Better."
Stan: "A boat?"
Cartman: "Better."
Kenny: "*unintelligible blabber*"
Cartman: "Better."
Cartman: "33 aborted fetuses."
Group: "..."

I'm putting myself on a temporary ban from Facebook. It's kind of taken over my life and I need to get back on track, so hopefully taking this step helps me to get some stuff done. I've turned off all notifications so don't get offended if I don't reply to a wall post.

I miss Adri, Bianca, Danny, Helen, Dylan, John and Chris Ho like you wouldn't believe. No matter how far away I go, you'll never be far from my heart <3. I'm such a sap.

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 07:30:53 GMT

2005

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Lost my virginity, had a one-night stand (after losing said virginity), got so drunk that I don't remember an entire night, developed an eating disorder, nearly failed a class, made it on my own, traveled to Europe, got a credit card (and jacked the bill up to impossible amounts), went vegetarian for 8 months, made a lifechanging decision in the right direction, overcommitted myself, experienced the fake-and-bake (multiple times), picked up two sports (volleyball and squash), had an anxiety attack, skipped more classes than I attended, got a passport, LEGALLY entered a club/bar/pub.

2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I don't think I made New Year's resolutions last year.
This year, I'm going to do what I want to get where I want to be, so long as it is not at the expense of others. HEDONISM 4 LYFE. I should also not spend as much money as I did in a reckless fashion this year.

3. Did someone close to you give birth?
Nope

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Nope

5. What countries did you visit?
Poland, and New Jersey.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Security.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January: Hart House Farm Pt. 1 (head in toilet for 2+ hours), Pt. 2
Reading Week: Whole thing with James started
April/May: freaking out about paying fees and exams at the same time
Summer: Poland, trip to the Soo, Steve's birthday, starving, bingeing, psychologists and doctors
September: Frosh Week and Iain
October: Andres and Marc
October through November: clubbing all the time, abdominal pain from hell for 2 weeks straight
December: coming back home, Brit's party, my party, Jason's party

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Moving on and making decisions that were best for me after fucking up hardcore.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Screwing up my mind.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Complications from eating disorder, mostly. I had bruises that wouldn't heal, I would get colds real easily, I sprained my ankle and it didn't heal until I started eating again, and it still hasn't healed properly. I am currently sick with a cold as well.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My trip to Poland, all those sexy shoes I love so much. And my ear piercings. Those were pretty good.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Michael's, but only because he's him. I love that boy.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
My own, for various reasons...

14. Where did most of your money go?
Alcohol, expensive clothes, shoes and sushi.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Poland. That was probably the most excited I've ever been.

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
No Beginning No End - Hawksley Workman
I'd Rather Dance With You - Kings of Convenience
Anthems For A Seventeen Year-Old Girl - Broken Social Scene
Time to Dance - Panic! At the Disco
This Could Be Anywhere In The World - Alexisonfire
Here In My Room - Incubus
Where Does the Good Go? - Tegan and Sara
Maybe Tomorrow - Stereophonics

17. Compared to this time last year, are you
i. happier or hardened?
Hardened.

ii. thinner or fatter?
Thinner.

iii. richer or poorer?
Very much poorer.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
The work that I was actually supposed to do.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Facebooking, worrying about my weight and what I was eating (or not eating), lamenting over boys

20. How did you spend Christmas?
At home, with my mom, Rick and my grandma (mom's mom). Luke's grandma came for Christmas Eve dinner. On Christmas Day Luke's grandpa and his grandpa's wife came for dinner, and after that a bunch of us went to see Night At The Museum and got really drunk in Greg's basement playing King's, climbed a silo and dicked around till the morning.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope

22. Any one-night stands?
Yes

23. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, Friday Night Lights, The O.C., Big Brother All Stars

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
No

25. What was the best book you read?
I only read two books for pleasure this year. East of Eden was the better one.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hawksley Workman, Feist, Kings of Convenience, Buck 65, The Knife, Sigur Ros, Stereophonics, Bloc Party, Neverending White Lights

27. What did you want and get?
Sex, to travel to Europe

28. What did you want and not get?
Stability

29. Favorite film of this year?
Wicker Park

30. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
We went to O'Gradys the night before, and Duke of York and the Phoenix the weekend of. I turned 19, and didn't get nearly drunk enough.

31. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
A solid sense of self and more self-esteem. Also, a break from university was something I could have used, for sure.

32. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
BETTER THAN 2005 ie. the death of the sweater

33. What kept you sane?
I went insane this year. But if it can be taken in a relative sense, music kept me going, to be honest.

34. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Tim Riggins from Friday Night Lights (that's not his real name!)

35. What political issue stirred you the most?
Genocide. I took a History of Africa class and I had to write a paper about Rwanda and I read Shake Hands With the Devil and watched the documentary.

36. Who do you miss?
James. I won't see him till February.

37. Who was the best new person you met?
All the frosh, the Ferguson crew, English Steve, Timmy!

38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
No matter how much weight you think you need to lose, not even one pound is worth it if you're going to lose your mind. Honestly, that whole fiasco crippled me up until now, and I'm still feeling the effects in every aspect of my life.

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"Don't dive shallow in deep dark waters." - Hawksley Workman, No Beginning No End
"And I'm still waiting for you to say you hate me now, so I don't have to, hold on to this burning heart. And while I'm sitting on this cold kitchen floor, head down to hide the tears, I've realized, I've finally realized, that you were never meant for me." - Daphne Loves Derby, Midnight Highway

Wed, 27 Dec 2006 17:56:26 GMT

Last night was an interesting series of events.

Lisa, Brit and I trekked to downtown T.O. (back home WHAT!) to watch Jeff's show. We were so pumped to see Letters to Elora live (I'd never seen them before, and I've heard they're amazing), but we got there incredibly early. We went to Seoul House on Orfus to kill some time, then to Pizza Pizza and Coffee Time. While drinking our warm caffeinated beverages at Coffee Time, basking in the glory of the "No play chess or card" sign, Jeff calls to tell us the show's been cancelled due to some asshole promoter. Disappointed and dejected, we head to karaoke for an hour, where we belted tunes from our childhood. Matt picked us up, and we headed back to Mississauga, and ultimately to McDonalds with a bottle of amaretto. After we'd McFilled our McBellies with McGarbage and drank some, we headed to Jeff's, picked up him and his bandmate Nick, and drove to Paul's. Going to Paul's was probably the best idea ever.

We arrived at Paul's to find Lawrence, Tim and Jason. It was a laugh and a half after that...we made a final McDonald's run, and I ended up staying till 5 a.m. We watched ALOOOOOOOOO and I became a master at this game Paul has in his basement called Hole in One. The amaretto's gone and I'm making an LCBO run today, and Brit's party is tonight.

I'm loving home. Just loving it. Clearly, I've had too much McDonald's in the past 24 hours.